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Me Go Bang-Bang [Nov. 24th, 2005|01:31 pm]
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Last night my partner (the gorgeous miss_porcelain) made a post that referenced my love of computer gaming. Before any of you leap to the wrong conclusion, let's get something straight - I'm into first person shooters. Under no circumstances will you ever find me wearing green tights and poncing around a virtual world while pretending I'm a fucking pixie. Spending hours searching for the Lost Dagger of the Unicorn-Scrotum while making girly noises is not my cup of mead.

Neither is mead. Mead is for pansy, nancy-fags who don't like scotch. If you have an opinion to the contrary don't bother posting it. Not unless you want another orifice to pour your mead into.

I can sum up the primary reason for my love of online gaming in one simple sentence. It's not, "the graphics are cool" or "I find it relaxing", it's this: "I love to slap the shit out of 12 year-olds".

And who doesn't? They're irritating, they have poorly developed political opinions and worst of all, the little fuckers can't spell for shit. Just like Kim Beazley.

Shut up.

I am pleased that technology has afforded me a legal outlet for this passion as I'd otherwise have to wear an electronic ankle bracelet. And that really clashes with a Hugo Boss double-breasted number.

It's very easy to spot the twelve year-olds when you're online and blowing the crap out of things. The most telling clue is a name that suggests testosterone on overdrive; names like "Death Assassin" and "Lord of Pain" are good indicators that you're tracking the right prey.

Because I do not wish to be mistaken for a 12 year-old whilst online, I have given myself a name of the most macho, muscle-laden variety I could come up with. Let's see if you can pick my online alias out of the following lineup:

A: ThunderGod
B: CertainDeath
C: FistofFury
D: A Large Purple Buttplug

Have you worked it out or do you need to ask the fucking audience?

The 12 year-olds tend to irritate me even more when they use what's referred to as the online "chat" function. This allows them to transmit their words of wisdom to everyone else who is online while they're playing. This often results in exchanges similar to this:


Death Assassin: hoow old is evry1 hear? im 11 :)
BloodThirst: me 12
LordPain: im 14
A Large Purple ButtPlug: I'm 37. Could you little bastards shut up until you learn to spell properly? You're giving me a fucking headache.
PowerDude: uur not 37
A Large Purple ButtPlug: I assure you I am. I can punctuate for a start so that should have been a dead giveaway.
SoldierOfDeath: thats older then my mum
A Large Purple ButtPlug: And she gives a lousy blowjob.
SoldierOfDeath: im gunna kill u if i see u
A Large Purple ButtPlug: Kid, the only thing you'll say is, "do you want fries with that?".

Ahh, don't you just love the free exchange of ideas between generations?

And my parents want to know why I've never had kids. Jesus.

The only 12 year-olds I'll ever like come with a groovy black label.

SD
suit_dude@walla.com
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Comments:
From: [info]__low__
2005-11-24 02:56 am (UTC)

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My brother, an otherwise intelligent and upstanding citizen has decided that computer games are his thing.

Consequently he has woven the threads of Anti-English into his everyday nomenclature.

Example:
James is being a retard, and trips on a banana peel.

Daniel: "LOLZ, liek u totally got PWNed by dat bananaX0rz!!!1111"
[User Picture]From: [info]asrei
2005-11-24 03:01 am (UTC)

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... *wipes tears from her eyes*

Dude, you rock my world.
[User Picture]From: [info]grey_evil_twin
2005-11-24 03:01 am (UTC)

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I saw a guy on Warcraft the other night with a username of Greenmitsi. I told him "Nice name!" and he said that only two people had gotten it so far. Also amused to see one person's character lying down on one of the beds at the Inn, inviting people over for private chat for "donations" of silver.
From: [info]neotokyo
2005-11-24 03:03 am (UTC)

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I hope you're writing songs for this new blues thing... with patter like yours it'd be a shame to waste such a talent.
From: [info]_sugar_puss
2005-11-24 03:10 am (UTC)

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hahahha... you rock!
[User Picture]From: [info]o_weird_one
2005-11-24 03:17 am (UTC)

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Well put.
[User Picture]From: [info]darkstardeity
2005-11-24 03:26 am (UTC)

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Mead is for pansy, nancy-fags who don't like scotch.

So is it OK for women to like mead?

Personally, I think that guys who drink scotch are just big pussies who can't handle mead (or more to the point, a mead hangover) :P
[User Picture]From: [info]patchwolf
2005-11-24 04:27 am (UTC)

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They're irritating, they have poorly developed political opinions and worst of all, the little fuckers can't spell for shit.

Oh, god yes! I feel your pain, Suit Dude. My younger (much younger) brother suffers from the same mysterious illness....

I love your posts.
[User Picture]From: [info]pseudicide
2005-11-24 04:45 am (UTC)

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You amuse me to absolutely no end!
[User Picture]From: [info]lord_smeg
2005-11-24 07:22 am (UTC)

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I've always had a preference for Glenlivet 12 year, or Bushmills personally.

The smoothness of triple distilled whiskey, the smoky taste of proper whisky...what's not to like about the stuff?

It certainly beats the everliving hell out of a nasty case of beer fueled gas the next day at work.
[User Picture]From: [info]raven_
2005-11-24 08:46 am (UTC)

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May I have your children?

I'm sure they'd be lovely fricasseed.

*mirth*
[User Picture]From: [info]darktower6
2005-11-24 12:59 pm (UTC)

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that's it, your post has made my night, i now get to go to bed with a chortle...
thankyewe *giggle*
[User Picture]From: [info]mopedronin
2005-11-24 01:44 pm (UTC)

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oh the chuckles keep coming. =) FPS forever and save the fucking faggy dragons for wussies. ;)
[User Picture]From: [info]emmasee100
2005-11-24 10:40 pm (UTC)

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The 12 year olds with a black label are ok.

I prefer them over 25.

Emmasee100, old and grumpy since forever.
[User Picture]From: [info]bluevirago
2005-11-25 02:44 am (UTC)

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I'd really appreciate it if you would stop raiding my "tupperware" drawer for inspiration for your on-line name.
[User Picture]From: [info]gt_general
2005-11-25 02:51 am (UTC)

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And yet I note that on those rare over 30s servers, the spelling is equally terrible, perhaps because everyone is drunk, though thankfully less frequent.

I look forward to long games of MOHAA and COD with you then...
[User Picture]From: [info]gt_general
2005-11-25 02:52 am (UTC)

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BTW: You nicked my "Me Go Bang Bang" (TM) without crediting the source... bastard.
From: [info]alchymist
2005-11-27 07:15 am (UTC)

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It's just good to know that there are other people out there who hate with the same sort of passion that I do.

And I'm with you on the twelve year olds.

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