| An Open Letter to Osama Bin Laden |
[Aug. 9th, 2005|10:04 am] |
Dear Mr Bin Laden,
Firstly, let me state that I was surprised to find you've been reading my journal. I was even more surprised to find that you're actually living in Mosman, but considering the size of the cheque you enclosed with your offer of employment, consider your secret safe.
I don't know what possessed you to offer me the position of al-Qaeda Spin-Doctor, but hell, the number of zeroes on the cheque was enticing enough. I'll buy my own western secular democracy when we've finished the job.
I'm going to talk candidly here, I think you deserve that much so be warned that you probably won't like a lot of what I have to say, so just go ahead and slap a fatwa on my decadent western butt right here and now. Seriously, don't even think about it, just throw me upstream and call me Salman.
There are a number of things that I think you're organisation has wrong, firstly, let's take a look at your Marketing and Publicity department.
Who the hell told you it was a good idea to knock down the twin towers as your opening act? Seriously, which idiot suggested that? As a closing number it would have worked a treat but nooo, you had to go and play your trump card from the word go. Didn't you realise that everything that followed would look rather ho-hum by comparison?
Fire the guy, send him back.
Okay, now let's look at your speechwriters. It's probably a good idea to employ a decent advertising firm to help get your message across to the west. I know you considered it something of a coup to get the writing team from the Middle-East's favourite sitcom, "Everybody Loves Allah", but the humour doesn't travel buddy.
I know, I know, all that "death to the infidel", "wrath of God" and "My, you look sexy in that potato sack" is hysterical if you're a native arabic speaker but the west thinks you're being serious. It's like hiring Charles Manson as the entertainment for your six year-old's birthday party. What? No, it's not a good idea and I don't think he's available. I don't care how many six-year-olds you have, they're not expendable.
Ok, now let's look at something I think you're going to have a tough time with. This will be something you'll need to mull over for a while, but trust me, it's important. Let's look at how to capture the women's vote.
Yeah, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but women in the west are actually allowed to attend polling booths without their husbands. Steady yourself buddy, it gets worse. They can do this in broad daylight while wearing make-up, and revealing clothes that show their ankles.
Yes I know, those polling booths are merely the tip of the iceberg when it comes to hotbeds of depravity. You see, we also have these things called "schools" (where all the Salman spawn). Oh man, you should really get down to a school if you're after some hot camel-on-camel-toe action. I'll explain that one later.
You're on the right track with your current smokescreen-strategy though. George W. Bush is an idiot, and right now the whole "America as the Great Satan" schtick is working, young people in particular are becoming so sympathetic towards radical Islam that they're ignoring all the tricky parts of the sell, like lack of women's rights to education or free thought. Let's keep the ball rolling on that one.
If we keep that part up we'll have the coalition out by December and bingo - we can have the new and improved Taliban version 2 back in power by January.
Now, about this entire "The Jew is evil and must be killed" business. Bad PR move buddy, it's been done before and it backfired. Might I suggest modifying it to something most of us can relate to like, "Billy Crystal is evil and must be killed" (you may as well go for Woody Allen too - he hasn't been funny since 1979). You have to get people on board before you go for the jugular. Whip them up into an anti-Billy Crystal bloodlust and then slip in something like "and all his relatives and friends while we're at it". See, it's simple really isn't it?
Ok, now for some housekeeping. The Taliban had a rule about no music. I've heard middle-eastern music. Good rule. Keep it.
Lastly, I think it's time to rebrand your organisation. The name itself "al-Qaeda". Hmm, it has to go - let's replace it with something more western-friendly. You need a name that'll tap into the west's love for the underdog and the larrikin. That's a ten percent rise in approval ratings right there pal.
Hang on, I've got it. From now on you call yourselves "Al'Grasby".
SD suit_dude@walla.com |
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